It was Sunday and overcast, but it was not too cold or hot. I went to Church, got some much needed prayer, strolled around Pasadena until the night service, and did not get back to the place I am lodging until 11:30 pm. Well, because they did not want the woman in front of me, they turned me away as well. With no real cash or prospects, I spent the evening walking up and down Hollywood Blvd. Sure, I shed a few tears, but then a steelness came on me. I know that the devil is doing everything he can to get me to not trust God and that He will protect me.
I had to say it out loud that I was not going to listen to the lies. Yes, I had to do it more than one. I found a spot to sit , but I was so nervous that I would get caught that at about 4am I left and went down to Union Station. It was there that I caught a couple of disturbed sleep.
I then had to wake up in the middle of a train station and go to school and take a test. How is that? The test went well, surely no thanks to me, because I never studied a note. That is twice that I have had issues with studying before a test, but God seems to be holding. That sounds so surprising to say, but it is how I feel.
I wish I could be one of the spiritual giants that part seas in the middle of crisis, but it would seem that I am not. I am just me. Sometimes I am afraid, intimidated, hurt, etc, but the one thing I really like about me is that eventually I do get back up.
Maya Angelou has a poem that I love entitled, And Still I Rise
Still I Rise
You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.
Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.
Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.
Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.
Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.
You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.
Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?
Out of the huts of history's shame
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I have finally cried some tears as God has been helping me learn to trust Him. To some that is an easy thing, but I have been so jaded that it has been really easy to dismiss the truth. One day you find yourself wondering if God is who He proclaims to be. I find that it is fast becoming a journey with just me and God and not the opinions of "men" who seem to be so knowledgable. I guess that why the relationship is personal.
It has been difficult, but I am moving ahead and it is easy to see where God has been the mastermind behind the changes I am going through.
Today He rewarded me with two bookings. Not bad, maybe I will get some sleep tomorrow finally.
I ask that you pray for me that I will love God in spite of the pain that I feel and that I would not blame Him for what happens.
Indifference, to me, is the epitome of evil. Elie Wiesel